the grandeur of things bigger

Taal Volcano, Luzon. Taken 20 January 2008

To say that I thought about what kind of man I would be by the time I was nine days away from being married would be a lie. Maybe that thought crossed my mind when I was in seventh grade that by this time I would hold my head higher then I do, say things that were full of deep wisdom and have the ability to grow a thick beard if I wanted to. If I had a conversation with who I see in the mirror, we’d come the agreement that my facial hair still comes in patches, that I have gotten used to the taste of my foot in my mouth and that I slouch.

Lately, I’ve been considering a quote that was recited by a dear friend: “Ultimately, the security of affirmation comes from within.” This has been for me like a dry piece of steak that I simply cannot get down my throat no matter how much I chew. But that’s okay, I guess.

Somewhere in Luke’s account of Jesus the Christ, he writes, “They left everything.” When he wrote this, he was referring to two fishermen that the Lord called to follow him and this was their response. They left everything. Whether they had homes, vibrant social lives, or that girl they’ve been meaning to court, they decided that following this rabbi was a good enough reason to leave all that they’ve known behind. They knew the situation well enough that there was nothing more important to follow than this man. I wonder... if they had a plan. I wonder if they knew what they wanted in life and knew where to go to get it. The text does not give us anymore information. One thing is for sure, whatever it was they wanted, if they wanted anything at all, they didn’t want it anymore.

I am constantly learning and relearning to make decisions because they are mine to make. I’ve often wondered who decided that love was something that we fall into. I cannot say that anything I’ve done up to this point has been an accident. Love for me has been a decision to make. It is one that I choose to make on a regular basis, daily, if not hourly. Sometimes I forget that the decision is mine to make or become weary in this process. Nevertheless, love has not been a haphazard manhole in my opinion. Whatever I wanted before I decided to love and be in love, I’ve made and continually make the decision that I don’t want it anymore. And I’ve left everything in order to love.